Working mom guilt.
Just typing the phrase makes me cringe. Not for the reasons you might imagine though. I’d venture a guess that when you think about this phrase you picture something like this: a mom in heels running frantically from school drop off to an important meeting, forgetting that her kid’s lunch was still in her purse. Or maybe you see a mom crying at her desk because the nanny just sent her a video of her baby’s first steps. Perhaps you picture yourself, and a moment in your own professional life that has shot like a dagger through your heart because you weren’t with your children for a particular milestone or celebration. Am I right? Those are all common images associated with this notion of working mom guilt, and they are very real scenarios for many women, but that’s not what makes me cringe.
What makes me cringe is the saying itself – working mom GUILT.
The very definition of this word insinuates that working mothers, myself included, are doing something wrong. Not something hard, or something that can come with challenging moments or even sadness at times. Nope, guilt doesn’t mean any of those things; it means you’ve done something for which you should feel ashamed, like stealing money from your workplace or cheating on your spouse. No wonder so many working moms feel negatively about their experiences. The very term used to describe what we go through insinuates that we’ve made the wrong choice. When oftentimes, working isn’t even a choice for us at all. Listen, do I feel sad when I have to say goodbye to my two-year-old in the morning and he’s sitting on our front steps waving at me with the cutest damn face ever? Yes, of course, I do. Do I wish that I could volunteer in my first grader’s classroom regularly so I have a better sense of how his teacher operates? Without a doubt.
But do I feel guilty about loving what I do for a living and providing financial security for my family? Absolutely not. What I feel can actually better be described as working mom anger. I feel anger that most of the women I talked to about this topic told me they went back to work before they were ready because their maternity leave, if they had one, was too short. I feel anger that many of us end up apologizing to our employers if we leave early for something child-related, even though we know leaving early will have zero negative impact on their bottom line.
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One of the moms I spoke to explained this best when she stated, “I’m more likely to feel guilt for leaving the office early to take care of my kids than I am to feel guilty for leaving my kids. I think that is a societal/cultural issue.” Indeed it is. And it’s far time we demanded a change. How will employers ever revise their policies if we keep acting like it’s our fault there’s an issue? The problem is not your guilt, ladies. The problem is that we haven’t been shouting from the rooftops about how shitty and unnecessary all the hoops we have to jump through in order to work and parent are in this country! Why are we still accepting of the fact that all over the U.S., women are given zilch in terms of paid maternity leave? Even in our Government, as one of my friends who is a federal employee notes, “You simply have to use your annual leave/sick days. If you don’t have enough you can enroll in a program and hopefully get approved or get donations for six to eight weeks of paid leave, but nothing more than postpartum recovery (six – eight weeks). Everything else is LWOP (leave without pay) if you don’t have enough time in your bank and want the full 12 weeks.”
You guys, that is insane. We’re talking about six weeks to three months here – anyone who has ever had a baby or been around anyone who has ever had a baby knows that at six weeks postpartum you are still hormonal, sleep-deprived, peeing your pants, and getting up multiple times a night to feed your child. I honestly just cannot fathom how any company, much less our FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, can rationalize this.
Did you know in Canada women get a full YEAR (at least) of maternity leave?
It’s true. One Canadian mom I spoke to explained, “We get a percentage of our wage. So, while we make less than when working, we save in other costs (i.e. childcare) and…we can also split the leave with our husband so he can take time as well.” When I asked if she thought this led to fewer feelings of guilt, she responded, “I don’t know if it helps alleviate the guilt because I think, working or not, we are so incredibly hard on ourselves. However, I was more ready (both physically and emotionally) to go back…as compared to others who go back much sooner.”
Can you imagine what a shift there would be in our own country if we adopted this policy? If working moms knew from the beginning of their journey that they were valued as mothers and employees, with the two not standing in opposition of each other? My plea to all the working mothers out there is that you stop internalizing these feelings you’ve been led to believe are your own fault, your own “guilt”, and start verbalizing what you want, what you need, and what you deserve, in order to function in both roles. Easier said than done, I know, which is why we’re calling on moms who have successfully negotiated terms for their own employment below to share their tips!
