When you scroll through your Instagram feed, you probably see a lot of happy, smiley babies. There’s nothing better. Even though they know in their minds that babies can have extreme mood swings, many new moms get thrown off by the actual amount of tears their baby sheds. Probably because those are the images that never get shown. That’s why it’s so important that one mom admitted that things aren’t always happy in her household, and that having a child actually brought up old trauma.
Most pregnancies are a blessing — but not all of them. Sometimes, mistakes happen and mothers find themselves taking on responsibilities they may not have been ready for. Olivyah Bowens, a 23-year-old doula, shared a photo on Instagram where she’s posing with her daughter Ozara. Ozara is two, and is not feeling the moment.
According to her caption, Ozara wasn’t a planned child — and Bowens wasn’t necessarily glowing throughout her pregnancy. “No one teaches you how to love a child you didn’t plan to have,” she wrote. “No one shows you how to traverse the emotional complexity of loving a child you weren’t happy about being pregnant with. It’s even more difficult at those times when they’re having tantrums and pushing you to a point of emotional exhaustion.”
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In her post, Bowens states that she suffered from her own traumas during childhood, so seeing the world from Ozara’s eyes was somewhat of a revelation.
“This child has been the catalyst for major growth,” she said. “She is the mirror that allows me to look into my past and see the fears still controlling me now.”
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Bowens noted that it’s way too easy to project her own trauma onto her child, but said that that’s often how the cycle of abuse happens. “It is the lethal cycle of undealt with trauma,” she stated. So, she’s working on breaking it. In her words, “Motherhood hasn’t just healed me it’s healed the mothers that came before me.”
In an interview with Yahoo, Bowens said that she was a dance major when she realized she was pregnant. While she envisioned being a mom at some point, she was fully aware that her career of choice wouldn’t be compatible with a pregnancy. She then switched paths and became a doula — but having so much change gave her unhappy thoughts when it came to the pregnancy.
Eventually, she realized how important her daughter really was.
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The truth is, even the best moms sometimes miss the moments that could have been. Sometimes, you feel like you totally lose your identity. You also feel overstressed and overwhelmed. And if you never saw yourself becoming a mom in the first place, those feelings are often even harder to deal with.
If you find yourself struggling, the best thing to do is see your doctor. A lot of your emotions might fall into the category of postpartum depression, which is very common. Even if you feel powerless, help is out there. And as Bowens noted, mom life does get better.