Pregnancy is a beautiful and joyous experience for an expecting mother – or so I have heard.
I’ve been over-the-moon excited because my sweet brother and sister-in-law finally got pregnant after trying for years. (I’m sure all of you know someone who had a difficult journey to conception, and being a part of that long-awaited pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle.)
As I’m doling out advice about newborns, registries, and childbirth, she nonchalantly asked how my pregnancies were, and if I had any tips.
“Yes, beg the Dr. to put you in drug-induced-coma for the 9 months, and to only wake you once they’ve removed the blood-sucking-parasite from your body”
I’m guessing by her facial expression, that wasn’t an appropriate response.
I’ll have to be honest, both of my pregnancies were fucking horrible, and my only real tip is to just keep your eye on the prize and hunker down because 9 months is a damn long time! It’s basically a year.
I made it my mission to come up with some helpful pregnancy advice that all the pregnancy books fail to mention because she needs to be prepared for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Stay away from happy pregnant women
They say happiness is contagious, and you should surround yourself with positivity, and I agree – for the most part – unless you’re having a miserable pregnancy, then happy people just make you feel bad about yourself and put crazy thoughts in your head. Thoughts like, “Am I supposed to a mom?” and “What if I don’t love my child?” You don’t need that negative self-talk. Find some miserable pregnant women and commiserate.
Don’t read anything about a birth plan
First of all, labor and delivery are terrifying, and no amount of literature is going to prepare you for that. I made my birth plan to just get to that hospital in time for an epidural and prayed the rest would work out. And those breathing exercises are a crock of shit. Tell your husband to stay at your head, and just hope that you don’t defecate on the table. If you do, it’s no big deal, it happens all the time.
You will be embarrassed by the sounds coming from you
Rather it’s the ugly cry (that happens every time you watch a Johnson & Johnson commercial), or the farts that you can no longer hold back, there will be sounds that will scare the shit out of you – and those around you. If you are one of those women who has never passed gas in front of your husband, you are about to enter some uncharted territory in your marriage. Just remember, they took vows for better or for worse, and they pass gas all the damn time; it’s hardly fair that you are expected to internally combust to avoid flatulence in their presence.
If anyone ever gives you slack about how emotional and smelly you are, just kindly remind them that you are growing a life, and they can STFU.
You will gain more weight than you’re comfortable with and chances are you will NOT feel like you are beautiful or glowing
You’re going to gain weight; you may as well come to grips with that. Whatever you do, do not compare yourself to the pregnant celebrities on social media because they will just make you feel like crap with their glowing skin and 15-pound-weight-gain. Just know that they are a very small percentage of the population, and they literally have trainers following them around, making sure they don’t over-indulge. For us real women, who can’t afford a live-in nutritionist or trainer, we tend to gain a little more weight. It’s totally normal. Don’t beat yourself up. Grab a donut and take a load off.
You may not feel attached to your baby until you actually meet them
This is something women never talk about and we should. You will hear all the soon-to-be-moms saying they felt a connection to their baby the moment they conceived, but that isn’t true for a lot of women. I did not feel anything towards either of my children, except annoyance, until they were safely in my arms, and that is OK. We all connect in our own time. That baby will become your world the minute you lay eyes on them. I promise.
Just remember that once you have the baby, pregnancy will be a faint memory. It has to be, or women wouldn’t continue to procreate. You got this, and in no time you will be holding a beautiful bundle and starting a whole new journey.
