Life is Hard, you don’t have to explain your choices to anyone.
When my oldest was about 3-years-old, people started asking me if I was going to get him started in preschool, which was never the plan for any of my kids. I wanted them home with me for as long as possible; it’s what I had always imagined.
And with him being my firstborn, I had no idea so many people would be so curious about his schooling. And because I was the only one of my friends opting out of preschool, I felt insecure about my choice. My gut was telling me to keep him home, but because I was going against the grain, I felt like I had to explain myself every time someone bent down and asked him when he was going to start school.
And when we had a third child on the heels of our second, I got asked, “Why?” “Are you crazy?” and “How the hell are you going to do this?” more often than not. Truth be told, that pregnancy was a complete surprise and I realized one day while telling a stranger in the grocery how my husband and I got carried away one night after too much wine, I had officially gone to the bad place. This was not her business, and I am sure she was sorry she asked me if I was “going for Irish twins.” A simple “No” would have done the job just fine.
But when I decided NOT to go back to work when all three of my kids went to school full time I was met with a lot of,” Oh! Wow. What are you going to do with yourself?” “Won’t you be bored?” and my favorite, “You husband is going to let you stay home?”
I know some people ask questions because they genuinely want to know what is going on in your life. But there are times when asking a questions is a passive- aggressive way to show faux concern for you and your wellbeing.
Deciding to continue to be a stay-at-home-mom while my kids were gone all day was when I’d had enough and realized every time I made a choice about how I was going to raise my kids or live my life, I found myself explaining my choices to people I barely knew. And it was time to stop.
But it made me recognize something else; I’d been guilty of doing the same thing. I thought it was okay to question people, especially mothers, who were living their lives different than I was. I mean, we’ve all been guilty of trying to cut someone down for letting their kids have a damn soda because we are angry we can’t force feed our own children organic green shit for every meal.
When we are having a hard time, it’s easy to turn away from our own problems and look to others to and try to make them feel bad, isn’t it?
Questioning other people’s choices as well as over-explaining are two reactions which go hand in hand if you think about it. They are both causes of feeling less-than, wanting to be liked, and questioning our own choices.
After starting a family, I felt the “questions and concerns” come in hot. I was more sensitive discussing my decisions that I ever had been in my life. Being a mother was uncharted territory for me and I was learning something new every day, so of course I felt vulnerable.
Russell Bishop is a psychologist and author who wrote an article for The Huffington Post about the reasons why (we all) explain and try to justify ourselves: “I have learned that when I feel the need to dexify [explain] myself, some part of me is almost always of the opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.” he writes.
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And I couldn’t agree more. All the times I’ve tried to justify my decisions and choices, I am trying to convince myself I am doing the right things. And it’s pretty damn annoying.
Bishop also says, ”I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there’s almost always some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.” It honestly comforts me to know even someone with his credentials struggles with doing this the same way so many others do.
Something else I realized was I didn’t like the tone it was setting in my household. It set the wrong example for my kids. No one is going to agree with all of our life choices since we weren’t put on this earth to please everyone. So when I found myself explaining how I mothered, or why I take my kids to McDonald’s as much as I do, right in from of them, I felt it was undermining some of my authority. They started questioning me about things because they knew it was a trigger for me. Smart little shits, I know.
Not only that, I was teaching them it is acceptable to feel you must explain your choices and that’s the opposite of what I want for them I want them to feel strong an confident in their decisions and realize life choices are for them to make, not some lady in aisle 3 of the damn grocery store.
You don’t have to over-explain yourself and your choices. You are going to be judged anyway and you can’t make everyone happy, you aren’t cake. Save yourself a bunch of time and a shit-ton of energy and please yourself and your family above all else.
Because after all, you know what’s best for you and yours way better than Betsy from down the street does.