It seems obvious to say that we all want to love and be loved — who wouldn’t want that? And lately, whether you’ve heard it from hanging around couples or from being on the internet, the term “love language” has been passed around quite often. But what exactly is a love language? Author Gary Chapman explored this idea decades ago and came up with five distinct ways certain people need to be loved. If you’ve been relatively unlucky in love, learning your own love language might be the answer you’ve been looking for.
Words of Affirmation
A person who needs to be told that they’re loved, or when someone is proud of them, speaks the love language of words of affirmation. Ideally, their significant other will say “I love you,” compliment them, or maybe leave them a nice note. According to Chapman, “verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love,” and these can be super effective when they’re straightforward.
Even if this is your love language, there are so many different types of affirmation you might personally need to feel loved.
Quality Time
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If you love someone, you’re going to want to spend time with them. That’s just how that works. But for some, attention from their partner is how they feel loved. This could be as simple as just talking with each other’s undivided attention — this means no phones and no TV in the background. Just having someone show you that they’re all yours in that moment is the best way to express their love for you.
Receiving Gifts
This is definitely not as materialistic as it sounds — your partner doesn’t necessarily expect gifts from you all time, it just means they want thoughtfulness and effort behind anything you give them. “You must be thinking of someone to give him or her a gift,” Chapman says. “It doesn’t matter whether it costs money.”
If this is your partner’s primary love language, getting them their favorite snack on your way home, or buying something at the store that made you think of them, will make them feel most loved.
Acts of Service
Don’t take this as waiting on your partner hand and foot — it’s more about doing what you know they’d want you to do that might unburden them. Cooking them dinner, cleaning the house, putting gas in their car — your actions are more valuable to your partner than your words.
Physical Touch
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Some people genuinely don’t like being touched, and that’s okay. But others need that physical contact to feel connected with their significant other. To them, love is expressed through touches — hugs, holding hands, a kiss goodbye. This seems like it’d be important for all relationships, but this is all some people need. “Without it, they feel unloved,” Chapman says. “With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.”
