Red Flags That You And Your BFF Have A Toxic Friendship

It’s great to have a bestie, but it isn’t always simple. Some friendships are harder than others, and maintaining a close friendship takes work. For me, this was true of a friendship I had for well over a decade. We both had changed a lot and as we grew older, it became harder to see eye-to-eye.

Sometimes, a difficult friendship just needs a little extra work. We’re not all lucky enough to have 34 best friends, so we need to take care of the friendships we have.

Sometimes, a draining platonic relationship is actually a toxic friendship. My friendship struggled because of old dynamics. When we first became friends, I was young and very mild-mannered, and she got used to calling the shots.

As we grew up, I formed opinions but it didn’t get easier to speak up for myself and I let her keep making decisions about what we did and when we hung out. Eventually, however, I got tired of it and started to share my opinions and preferences.

It didn’t go over well.

Instead, she grew angry with my when I pushed back, and we had to part ways. Looking back, it is obvious to me that we had a toxic friendship, but for some reason it was hard for me to see the signs while it was happening.

How do you know if you’re in a toxic friendship?

We turned to Reddit to find out what other people think. These anonymous users got really honest and shared the big red flags you’re in a bad relationship with your best friend.

1. Conversations Are One-Sided

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Being a good listener is a great skill to have as a friend, but what if it’s one-sided?

Reddit user Domkustos says that a one-sided friendship is a “major red flag” and I agree whole-heartedly.  If you feel like you’re always listening to the other friend talk about their own life and their own interests, it might not be as strong of a relationship as you think.

Maybe it goes without saying, but if the tables are turned and you’re doing all the talking and none of the listening, that’s a problem too!

2. You Don’t Feel Like You Can Ask Them For Help

Most besties would do anything for their number one.

Acts of service, or doing favors for a friend, is a great way to show just how much you care. I’m not advocating for keeping score in relationships, as that can be a big fight starter, but if you’re feeling resentful, take note!

When it is obvious you’re doing all the favors but can’t ask for help in return, the friendships could be toxic, says Reddit user amithrownawayfogood.

3. They Don’t Acknowledge Your Achievements

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When you really care for someone, you want to celebrate when they celebrate.

Ever feel like your bestie is always SO pumped for anything and everything they achieve but is less-than-impressed with your achievements? This is a problem in a close friendship, according to wild0ats.

Other users agree. One even told a story about getting a promotion, trying to tell his friend, only to be forced to listen to the same spiel about how he’s starting a business “one day.”

4. Only Their Problems Matter.

It’s no good if they dismiss your problems but expect you to listen to theirs.

Reddit user griffinwalsh says that a friend who only talks about the own success isn’t the only red flag to watch for, the same problem can happen when it comes to negativity.

If things go wrong in your life and they brush it off but treat every problem in their own life as a major tragedy that needs your full attention, it’s OK that you’re annoyed. In fact, it might be time to set some boundaries if this is a consistent problem with your bestie.

5. You Feel A Sense Of Dread When They Contact You

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Does your stomach flip when their name shows up on your caller ID?

A true bestie is someone you’re happy to hear from, even if only for a quick chat or a “Hi, how are you?” If you feel nervous or anxious when they reach out, Reddit user DiscordDraconequus says something isn’t right.

As subcommenter AnastatiaSheppard points out, however, there is probably an exception to this rule. If you have social anxiety, this might be your typical response to any unexpected communication, even in healthy relationships! If you do have anxiety, be as open as you are comfortable being with your friend — you don’t want them thinking you are giving them the cold shoulder, either!

6. They Don’t Settle Debts With You

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It’s pretty common to lend money to friends or cover their drinks here and there, but what if they never pay you back?

What if you’re always doing the lending and never get paid back? It’s probably time to stop lending money to that specific friend!

Reddit user Gluttony4 tells a story that is a perfect example of how this plays out. Their involvement in a D&D [Dungeons and Dragons] group came with a price tag: never getting paid back for cover pizza during meetups. It makes sense that they eventually found a new crew to play with.

7. They Have To Remind You When They’re ‘Joking’

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Teasing between close friends is one way people show affection, but it is easy to take things too far.

Don’t embarrass your bestie in front of other people, and don’t put up with it if they’re humiliating you! As Reddit user traunks explains, it isn’t that hard to take poking fun to an offensive place.

It’s not OK to use insults and sarcasm to make yourself feel better or look better than your best friend. You know what? This isn’t OK in any relationships, not just the friendships we share with our ride or dies.

8. They Don’t Respect Your Time

Everyone makes mistakes, but a friend that stands you up on the regular isn’t a good friend.

For a long time, I had a friend I expected to hear from at the last minute when I was on my way to meet up with her. I was never surprised when she canceled 15 minutes before we were supposed to get together or just didn’t show up.

That friendship didn’t last very long and its no wonder — Reddit user niktemadur says this might be a sign if they’re a narcissist, especially if they only reach back out when they’re bored and need to be entertained.

9. They Can’t Accept Criticism — And Are Often The Victim

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Besties should be close enough to call each other out on their ish.

Reddit user endofmyrope03 says a bad best friend won’t be able to take criticism to heart, instead they’ll get mad and act like they’re the victim.

Curious what this might look like in a toxic relationship? One Reddit user found out their best friend was having an affair with her fiance and that best friend somehow made everyone involved feel like they should feel sorry for her. Eek!

10. They’re Always Right

Does it feel like you’re always doing something wrong? You might not be at fault.

Unless you’re a major jerk and constantly saying unkind things, it is probably a red flag if you’re apologizing to your best friend on the regular. Like Reddit user theJohnnyParker points out, if one member of the friendship is always right and the other is always wrong, something is up.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Both parties should be able to acknowledge their faults and ask for forgiveness and offer forgiveness when they’ve been wronged. At the same time, there should be a level of understanding that doesn’t require constant apologizing for mistakes because you know each other well enough to know you’d never intentionally hurt each other.

11. Everything Is On Their Terms

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Their favorite restaurant, their schedule, and their interests.

Besties don’t need to love the same things, but they need to open to exploring each other’s interests. If you’re always making decisions based on one person’s preferences, it might be time to reevaluate how close you really are.

If the other party is always choosing where you eat out or when you get together, Reddit user moss-fete says you shouldn’t have to constantly put yourself aside to make the friendship work.

12. They Get Jealous — Often

Stay away from a friend who gets hateful when something good happens to you.

Reddit user calliejwells says they lost a friend of over ten years over this kind of nonsense. Whether they’re jealous of your vacation, bitter about your new home or car, or can’t stand that you’re succeeding in your career and they’re struggling, jealously just doesn’t work well in a close friendship.

On the flip-side, try to be understanding if your bestie is having a hard time in their life and you’re taking it easy. It can’t be easy to watch!

13. You Feel Like You Have To Walk On Eggshells Around Them

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When you love your bestie but they’ve got a nasty temper.

Name-calling and scary anger have no place in healthy relationships. While everyone loses their cool occasionally, it shouldn’t be happening so often that you’re nervous about upsetting your best friend, says toporbottomquark.

One Reddit user says her best friend is angry at “everyone about everything” and another says that this is the beginning of almost every fight they have with their best friend. Take my advice and start spending a little less time together.

14. They Don’t Include You In Group Plans

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Is it normal to get left out plans on a regular basis? The jury is still out on this one.

While Reddit user Anchoredhome says it is a problem if you find out your best friend is leaving you out of plans with mutual friends, not everyone agrees.

Another Reddit user says that this is often a two-way street. They explain that having a friend who always said no frustrated them, so they stopped asking. Before you call a friend out on leaving you out, make sure you’re owning your responsibility in the problem.

15. When They Treat You Differently In Front Of Others

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Does your bestie act differently when you’re hanging out alone than they do when you’re in a crowd?

Reddit user Lionheart395 warns against a friend who acts great when you’re hanging out alone, but then changes their attitude when other people are around. If they start putting you down or ignoring you the second other friends get involved, it could be seriously toxic. Get you a BFF who likes you for who you are, in all circumstances.

Have you ever found yourself in a toxic friendship? How did you move forward?