What To Do When You Want A Relationship, But They Don’t

Dating is difficult, especially if you’re seeing someone who’s noncommittal about the whole “serious relationship” thing. Even if you’re 100 percent positive about what you want, that doesn’t mean that the person you’re crushing on feels the same way, despite the chemistry you may share.

So, how does one handle a love interest who confesses that they do, in fact, like you, but they’re just not ready to take that next big step?

Evaluate their actions. Do they match up to what they’re saying or is he or she just telling you what you want to hear before they find their next lust of the week?

Ask yourself: Does this person treat me like a friend? If they actually like you, there should be some type of friendliness there.

Does this person check in to see if I’m OK? Someone who’s genuinely invested in you will check in to see how your day or weekend went.

Does this person support me? While you can’t expect your love interest to be there all of the time, they should be asking you about the things they know you’re emotionally invested in.

If you can answer “yes” to one or more of these questions, then you and this person might have a shot. Here are a few things you can do to help move things forward.

1. Say “I Understand.”

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Communication is key.

Whether it’s platonic or intimate, communication is the most important part of any relationship. If your love interest expresses that he or she doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship, the first thing you should do is tell them that you understand. Be genuine about it—don’t give them a crappy, passive-aggressive “OK, I understand.”

Then, just wait.

This pause will give your partner the “space” he or she needs to breathe. Providing them with a safe, non-judgmental space will make it easier for your crush to open up to you—whether that means delving into past relationship failures or commitment issues.

Remember, this is a judgment-free zone.

The moment you let go of the reins and spout off about something he or she did in the past is the moment that door of trust will close.

2. Be Patient.

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Patience really is a virtue. 

Religious or not, you’ve probably heard the phrase “Love is patient; love is kind…” at one point or another in your lifetime. This passage (1 Corinthians 13) is usually read at weddings or scribbled in Valentine’s Day cards because it’s the quickest way to describe true love. Truly loving someone means accepting their flaws.

After all, we are human. People screw up sometimes.

It’s also important to remember that our personal wants and desires are not demands. Put simply, you shouldn’t impose your wants on someone else. They’re their own person; you must accept them for who they are and where they are in their journey.

Don’t try to sell them on the idea of a serious relationship.

If the person you’re falling for tells you they’re not interested in a relationship, then the last thing you should do is try to convince them otherwise. This will send them running. Instead, show them that you care by being patient — this means slowing things down on your end, too. Don’t give them significant other benefits without the commitment level you want.

Patience is important, but that doesn’t mean putting yourself last.

You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re worth their time or a serious relationship. If you’ve done your part (i.e. given them space and the opportunity to develop a deeper connection) and they’re still standoffish, it’s time to move on.

Really ask yourselves if they are a good match for you, and if not, give yourself the space you need to get over them.

3. Create Boundaries And Stick To Them.

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Self-love must come first. 

The term “self-love” has been haphazardly thrown around the internet like a beach ball. For many, things like fancy bath products and luxurious skin care is a form of self-love, but it isn’t the most important aspect. Self-care may look different for each individual, the results should be the same–love and respect for oneself.

Take some inventory.

Respecting yourself means accepting who you are as a person, including the things you do and do not like about yourself. We’re not saying it’s going to be easy, but it is necessary. Once you accept yourself in all of your amazing glory, others will begin to respect you, too — along with your desire for a serious relationship.

Creating boundaries is an act of self-respect.

The first step to setting boundaries with someone else is figuring out the boundaries you have for yourself. Ask yourself: What do I expect from myself? What do I want to give others? What do I want others to give me? What am I comfortable with? At what point do I not feel like this is an equal partnership?

So for example, if you are not looking for something casual, you do not drop everything to go over to your crush’s place at 11 p.m. after a “u up?” text.

Checking in with yourself is the easiest way to create clear boundaries and avoid becoming someone’s doormat or plaything. Generally, if something feels off or is making you anxious, then it’s time to take some inventory and figure out why. In the great words of Ru Paul: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

4. Focus On Yourself.

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The best things in life come when you’re not looking for them. 

Feeling like the world will come to an end when you’re single is a guarantee for disaster. (Not to mention heartbreak, insecurity, and disillusionment.) No good decision is made out of desperation. If you feel this way, then you need to be single. It’ll teach you that you can do this thing called life on your own.

While relationships are a beautiful thing, you don’t need to be in one to feel fulfilled.

The only person who can complete you is you.

Love is a crazy, wonderful, potentially gut-wrenching, curious thing.

When you’re truly happy, love will find you. It sounds corny, but it’s true. Don’t believe us? Here’s an expert’s opinion: “If you don’t look for a quality relationship, you won’t find it,” Deanna Cobden, a dating and relationship coach tells Elite Daily. This next thing she said really got us:

“You usually end up with what falls into your lap or nothing at all. But your search must come from a place of being fulfilled and happy first. The part that ‘love comes when you’re not looking’ isn’t really about not looking. It’s about living your best life possible and fulfilling your own needs and desires with an open heart.”

It can be hard to do this, but it’s not impossible. If you keep throwing out needy or desperate vibes — and we’ve all been there, no judgment — then you aren’t going to easily be able to attract a person who is right for you.

5. Don’t Try To Fit Their Mold.

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It will do more harm than good in the long run.

Sometimes we get ourselves into the habit of thinking (toxic) things like “Well, if I did this so-and-so would like me,” or “So-and-so doesn’t like X so I shouldn’t do Y.” But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret — changing who you are for someone else isn’t going to do you any favors.

And here’s why.

When you change something about yourself for others, you feel even more alone. It’s almost as though you’re a fraud. And those feelings will quickly catch up with you, believe me. There’s a reason there are so many songs about feeling alone in relationships.

If you choose to lose yourself in hopes of being with someone else, is anyone really winning?

The answer is NO. It’s a lose-lose situation. Remember our little talk about happiness and self-fulfillment? That applies here. If you’re a kooky, passionate, sensitive, and “too much” sort of person, then be that person. Don’t tone down your realness just to fit in with your crush’s crowd.

Someone who truly cares for you wouldn’t ask you to change a thing. There’s nothing wrong with you. And, yes, someone will love you just the way you are.

6. Avoid Casual Sex.

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The whole “no strings attached” scenario isn’t really a thing. 

It’s almost impossible to have several sexual encounters with someone without getting hooked emotionally. And it always, always ends in heartbreak. That’s not to say casual sex isn’t great or it’s not okay to want (it totally is!). But you definitely shouldn’t be doing it with someone who’s already expressed that they’re not ready for a serious relationship when you want one.

Don’t be someone’s ego boost.

Sometimes, people just want to sleep with someone whom they know wants a serious relationship with them and  is crazy about them. It’s a weird egotistic, power trip thing. And in this case, that someone who’s crazy in love would be you. Pretty messed up, right?

Passionate sex does not a relationship make. 

This is another instance in which you should set boundaries. Don’t become someone’s plaything just because you’re trying to sway their opinion on a serious relationship. It just won’t work. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what an expert has to say:

“Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he has told you he isn’t interested in a relationship, you probably won’t ever be anything more than a hookup for him,” writes life coach and relationship expert Lisa Shield.

In the end, you have to know that sometimes people just really aren’t ready for a relationship — and it isn’t about you.

If you feel like you have taken all of these steps with someone you’re seeing casually and they say they still aren’t interested in something serious, believe them. Don’t make it some sort of personal challenge to “change” them, because you won’t. Focus on you, and find someone who makes you feel confident, supported, and appreciated.

Have you ever turned a casual hookup into a serious relationship?