This Hilarious Twitter Thread Tests If You Could Make It As Beyoncé’s Assistant
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be Beyoncé’s assistant? The proximity to fame, riches, and privilege seem like something out of your wildest dreams, but could you hack it?
Working as a celebrity’s assistant is hard work and a lot less glamorous than it first seems. Living in the shadow of the flashing lights that follow your superstar boss is not for the faint-hearted even though there are a few perks. From rubbing shoulders with stars to taking home fancy goodie bags that they don’t want, this job can be a lot of fun, but the responsibility is unlike anything you can imagine.
The dark side is most assistants are expected to dedicate their entire professional and sometimes even, personal life to pandering to the glitterati in Hollywood. At times it can be crushing and exhausting, as you find yourself scrambling to learn the preferences of a celebrity to make them happy.
Still, many people would love to be a celebrity assistant, especially for Beyoncé. And this one 19-year-old on Twitter found a way to test if her fans could last a day, serving Queen Bey.
How long would you last in the day of the life as Beyoncé’s assistant?
First Day On The Job
The thread by Landon (@CORNYASSBITCH) starts with the most important meal of the day.
The first question is, what would you feed Beyoncé for breakfast? As someone who only has an iced coffee in the mornings, I’m not equipped to feed Mrs. Carter but luckily, this is a multiple-choice quiz. “What are you getting her for breakfast? Yogurt, granola, and strawberries or a 5-star breakfast,” Landon asks.
Depending on what you choose, you could get fired before Beyoncé has had her first meal.
So, what did you choose? If you went with a 5-star breakfast, you’re done! “She yells at you… then has her team of lawyers send you a termination letter.” Cold. But if you went with the healthy breakfast, Beyoncé is very pleased and give her your next task.
Of course, controversy struck at just the first question.
Who Do You Call?
Now that you’ve passed your first test, it’s only going to get harder.
“[Beyoncé] nods at you for choosing the healthy breakfast, then ask you to FaceTime her daughter who are you FaceTiming, Blue Or Rumi?” This is one for the real fans, the ones who know the difference between Rumi and Blue-Ivy, and perhaps why Beyoncé would need to talk to either one. But the vague directions that require incredible personal knowledge of someone is just the basic expectations of a celebrity assistant.
Calling the wrong daughter can have you kicked out onto the curb quicker than you can say “Sir!”
If you chose Rumi, I apologize for the wrath you’re about to face. Since the twins, Rumi and Sir are only two, Beyoncé probably doesn’t want to chat on the phone with her.
The correct answer is, Blue Ivy.
How To Entertain Queen Bey
Since you’re her assistant, it’s up to you.
The third hypothetical is a little tougher. “Beyoncé needs something to do while she waits for hair and makeup,” Landon writes. “What do you suggest? Swimming, painting or drinking and gossiping.” It’s a tough one, as all seem like Beyoncé-worthy ways of killing time. Getting her hair wet before glam seems like a bad idea, so swimming is out. So it has to be between drinking and painting, right?
This one was tough for a lot of fans.
The answer could throw a few budding assistants.
“She tells you ‘I’m not going to get drunk before an event and gossip with some peasant’ then calls a new assistant.” Painting is the only right answer. She’s an artist, after all.
Now You’re The DJ
If you’ve ever broken a sweat choosing what song to play in the car, get ready for the test of a lifetime.
Now that Beyoncé is relaxed, painting, and prepared to get her hair and makeup done, it’s time to play some music. “She tells you to play that song from Lemonade. Which song you playing ‘Sandcastles’ or ‘All Night.'” It’s a tough decision. Not only is every song on Lemonade mindblowing, but which would be the best choice for Beyoncé right here, right now?
This album is full of heartbreak and emotion so the wrong choice could make her cry.
If you chose “Sandcastles” then you’re dream run is over. “She starts crying then fires you after the 3:03 minutes.” Harsh but necessary. A puffy face before makeup is a big no-no. if you picked “All Night,” now that she’s feeling herself, it’s on to the next task.
It was a really hard question.
The Responsibility Is On Your Shoulders
Now your problem-solving skills are going to be tested.
Despite being a Virgo that is never ever tardy, in this scenario “Beyoncé is running late.” So, it’s up to you: “Should she go to the hotel and get ready or do it in the car?” Anyone whose ever done their hair, makeup, or attempted to change their outfit in the car knows it’s an almost impossible task. What would Beyoncé want, though?
Asking her to get dressed in the car is a rookie mistake.
And would fast-track your termination. But, choosing to go to the hotel has its own dilemma.
I don’t know how many times we can get fired and still believe we have a fighting chance at this job.
Her Career Is Now In Your Hands
This job really isn’t for the faint of heart.
Now that you’ve arrived outside the hotel, with Beyoncé in tow you’re greeted by a gaggle of paparazzi. “Should she risk being spotted at this event that she’s supposed to make a surprise appearance [at] or run late and go to another hotel?” We all know how Bey loves to surprise her fans but allowing the paparazzi to ruin it for the sake of punctuality could ruin it. What do you do?
I was well and truly stumped by this predicament.
If you choose to risk getting spotted, it pays off. You slip by the paparazzi into the hotel, and Beyoncé is ready to head up to the Presidential Suite 10 floors up. But now you have to decide: “should [sh]e ditch everyone and go by herself so she doesn’t draw attention or take the risk with and go with her team? If you let her go up herself, she gets kidnapped and you’re fired. If you go up together, she’s spotted and you’re fired.
We’ll protect Bey at all costs, even out paycheck.
Kim And Kanye Make An Appearance
But if you know anything about Beyoncé you should be worried.
Now that you’ve decided to move to another hotel to avoid the paparazzi, there’s another problem: a bump in with the Wests. Kim and Kanye offer Beyoncé a spot at their suite to help her out. The alternative? An entire floor at Motel 6. It might be tempting to shack up with the Wests but if you know anything about Bey, it’s that she isn’t fond of this family.
And the queen will choose a motel any day.
“Beyoncé says ‘you know me so well.'”
Google Is Your Best Friend
This puzzle is one best left up to the die-hard stans.
When I read this next question, I was left at an impasse. “Beyoncé asks you to tell her lawyers who [requires] a cease and desist.” Legal issues are sure to throw anyone, but do you know who Beycapital or Bey_Legion is? Turns out a lot of people didn’t know. “So this is it. This is where I get fired,” one Twitter user wrote.
These Beyoncé fan accounts are both messy.
But if you picked Beycapital, it will get you a nice bonus cheque.
It Isn’t Over Yet
Now, as Beyoncé’s assistant, you have to prepare the hotel room for her comfort.
“You’re minutes away from the hotel,” Landon writes. At this point, we’re deep into this job and we’ve almost made it through an entire day. “What changes do you need to have made before Beyoncé arrives? Red toilet paper, newly painted walls, titanium drinking straws, or 100% percent cotton uniforms for the staff.”
It’s a tough decision but there are obvious dummy errors.
Don’t you dare paint those walls and make Beyoncé pass out from the fumes. While titanium drinking straws seem smart, it will get your cash bonus snatched away, so it’s down to cotton uniforms or red toilet paper. Since uniforms can’t be turned around in hours, we have to go with red toilet paper.
Feeding the queen before the big event is of utmost importance.
Now that Beyoncé is a little hungry, it’s up to you whether you get her some fruit, deli tray, juicy baked chicken, or desert? We all know Bey has a strict diet, and we don’t want her too bloated before the big event. But she’s also already had fruit this morning. Variety is the spice of life, but we’re also trying to not get fired here.
Since she already had fruit for breakfast, she deserves some protein.
We chose the juicy baked chicken— and we’re safe! For now…
It’s Time For The Event
Instagram photos and speeches all take centerstage but can you keep your job through it all?
“Beyoncé is almost ready for the event.” It’s showtime, at least for Beyoncé’s assistant. “What should you make sure she gets done before she leaves? Taking pictures for Instagram, or going over her speech?” Both are very important. We all know Bey skips the red carpet and posts beautiful Instagram photos later. As for her speech? She’s Beyoncé, she was born to do this.
But whatever you choose, it doesn’t matter.
Because Beyoncé has spotted the red toilet paper from earlier and we just got fired.
People Loved This Game.
Even though just like us, most ended up being fired, everyone had so much fun.
Most people on Twitter were completely enamored with this fun, fresh, and mind-boggling game. The questions were so detailed and they truly tested fans’ knowledge of Queen Bey. Detailing her diet choices, hotel room preferences, and even Beyoncé fan pages, most people conked out early but it brought a lot of joy to fans everywhere.
Even Chrissy Teigen Got Into It
She tested her own assistant, too.
Reigning Twitter queen, Chrissy Teigen jumped into the thread to have a go at the game herself. She only made it past a few rounds, which makes us feel pretty good about how far we got. But she even put the questions to her assistant, who apparently didn’t even make it past the first question. Luckily, she didn’t get fired in real life.