Where are my ’90s nostalgia-lovin’ millennials at? Who remembers the wonder of opening your mailbox only to find your favorite ’90s teen magazines waiting for you?
I don’t know about you all, but I was raised on a steady intellectual diet of teen magazines during my childhood.
As someone who grew up without any older siblings to show me the path to coolness, teen magazines were my holy grail of life aspirations and what it meant to be cool.
Aside from the trinkets and jelly bracelets acquired during my blessed trips to Claire’s Accessories and the Clueless VHS tape that I’d watch, rewind, and repeat like it was my day job, my glossy, beautiful issues of Teen, YM, J-14, Seventeen, and BOP were among my most treasured possessions.
They induced my crushes on many frosted-tip-haired heartthrobs, inspired me to dabble in the world of crop tops, and began the era of my childhood where I’d spend every day begging my mom to let me get my bellybutton pierced.
What a time.
Little did I know these ’90s teen magazines were full of completely wack dating advice.
I’m glad I was a literal child during the ’90s, because this meant I wasn’t actually putting any of said dating advice into practice (although I have to wonder how much this stuff shaped my concept of what it means to date down the road).
And while I love me some ’90s nostalgia, looking at the dating tips that were being spoon fed to teenage girls through a 2019 lens is pretty dang disturbing.
That all said, let’s take a trip down the weird, mostly sexist, and 100% hetero-normative memory lane of ’90s teen magazines of the past. While not all of this dating advice is bad, a good 99% of it really is.
You’ll be shocked to think that any editor let this stuff slide.
Read it, digest it, and then forget it — cause you do not want to follow this advice when it comes to your own dating life.
1. How To Tell If He Fancies You
https://www.instagram.com/p/BtwbwYVg6Te/
Ah, the burning question on every teen girl’s mind. How on earth could we ever know if he likes us?
Well, apparently this 1992 issue of Just Seventeen magazine had all the answers.
“Does he tease you, call you silly names, etc.? … Does he laugh hysterically at your jokes? … Does he look uncomfortable when he sees you talking to other boys? … If the answer is yes to more than one of these questions, that guy has the hots for you!”
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Oh, if only it were so simple.
Firstly, aren’t we past the point of interpreting someone teasing us as having a crush on us? Oh wait, nevermind, this was literally 1992.
Also, don’t love the overly-possessive vibe of a dude feeling uncomfortable when he sees you *talking* to other dudes. A little much, no?
In any case, I guess laughing hysterically at your jokes could be a sign that someone is interested in you.
But what if you’re just that funny?
“When a guy’s sitting down, if he’s physically attracted to you, his leg or knee will more than likely be pointing directly toward you.”
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There’s definitely something to be said about body language. “The knee can act as a subtle pointer, just like the elbow,” wrote ChangingMinds.org on its site. “When pointing towards something or somebody, the knee can indicate desire.” That said, if someone’s physically attracted to you, that doesn’t mean they’ll for sure be pointing their dang knee in your direction. While this isn’t the worst piece of advice on this list, it’s definitely not great.
2. First Date Dilemma
This story ran in the February 1991 issue of Seventeen and boy, was it chalk-full of first date dating tips.
Whether or not I recommend anyone follow them is another story. Let’s take a peek, shall we?
“Heavy-duty retro looks—false eyelashes, thick black eyeliner, frosted lips—are fun (for you) but can be kind of scary (for him) on a first date.”
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Um, OK, rude. Firstly, I love me a good retro look, so I’m personally offended.
Secondly, as a feminist, I am also offended. If a dude is “scared” by a makeup look that feels fun for you, then maybe he should not be a person that you’re dating.
There, I rewrote that dating tip for everyone.
“Date expectations: Makeup should highlight your features with soft, neutral tones and give you a boost of confidence.” — Seventeen, February 1991
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Another problematic makeup comment.
This one’s a mixed bag, though. If you’re going to wear makeup on a date, then sure, it should give you a boost of confidence — I’m not mad at that.
But telling people they need to use soft, neutral tones is definitely annoying.
Cause, like, says who?
Whoever wrote this article apparently thought boys were scared of fun makeup looks — and were way too accommodating with their face.
“Serious ‘dos are a big mistake, especially those that have to be held in place with atomic-strength hairspray.”
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Sorry not sorry, I’m really getting sick of these literal teen girls being told what they can and can’t do hair and makeup-wise on a first date.
Honestly, first dates are more about building your own confidence than they are impressing someone else.
If you can’t be yourself — even if that includes giant false lashes and an over-the-top beehive ‘do — then what’s the point?
3. Do You Put Boys Off?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BsRDi1xgcUZ/
This quiz-style article that appeared in Bliss magazine in the ’90s asked teen girls to answer a series of questions to find out which type of boys they were putting off.
Massively important dating data, I know.
According to the article, there are three apparent boy-repelling types that a quiz-takin’ teen could wind up being in the end.
“Cool Customers” (literally WHAT does that mean) put off shy boys who are afraid of rejection. ”
Girlie Girls” put off boys who are afraid to approach a group of feminine gals. And “Laddie Ladies” (yes, this is a British mag) put off boys who “think girls should wear dresses and cook” — but, thank goddess, follows up that heinous statement by rhetorically asking “who needs them anyway?”
Um, yeah. I’m still wondering what in the hell a “cool customer” means in this context.
4. What Makes A Girl A “Slut” Or A “Prude”?
I’m already cringing.
https://www.instagram.com/p/By6B7J8A1R3/
The concept of this article, published in YM‘s September 1997 issue, involved gathering a gaggle of 17-23 year old dudes, feeding them “gooey pizza” (because apparently this is the only way to get men to cooperate?), and asking them to sound off freely about their perception of “sluts” vs. “prudes” based on women’s behaviors, clothing choices, and sex lives.
YIKES YIKES YIKES.
At one point, 18-year-old Joe mansplains how a girl can actually be a “slut-virgin.”
Yep, this was a sh*t show waiting to happen. Let’s just explore that quote, as I feel it’s a solid representation of the piece on the whole:
“Even if a girl hasn’t had sex, if she’s done a lot of other stuff with guys—like petting, kissing, serious groping—she could still be a slut.”
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Where. Do. We. Start?
This is bad, bad news.
Apparently even virgins can be written off as overly-promiscuous by the barely-legal men featured in this magazine.
All they have to do kiss, pet (?), and seriously grope enough dudes.
While the articles shows some sensibility in moments by noting the ridiculousness of these opinion, the fact that these sexist fools were given airtime in a magazine for young women is shocking.
File this under the absolute worst dating advice, please.
5. Suss Him Out In 5 Minutes Flat
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bwg9h3sAWCn/
In this article from Bliss magazine’s Dec. 1995 issue, teen girls learn how to make entire judgment’s on a person’s character and their compatibility within five minutes flat. Sounds… not accurate? But hey! Let’s see what they have to suggest.
“You’ll learn most about your dream boy in the first five seconds, so this is the most critical stage.”
Good GOD, and we thought five minutes was quick to judge.
Apparently there’s a lot we can do in five seconds to figure out if someone is worthy of an undying crush or not, one thing that happens to be…
“Hair type: does he have a Damon flop or a Keanu crop? You can usually spot (and smell) a hair gel junkie a mile off. If he’s perfectly coiffed, he’s likely to be vain as hell.”
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Love the ’90s heartthrob references (I believe Damon refers to Damon Albar, hot lead singer of popular ’90s alternative band Blur), first of all.
But I’m skeptical about whether judging someone this hard on their hair choices is a valid way to approach dating.
That said, dating anyone who identifies as a “hair gel junkie” sounds pretty off-putting, so maybe there’s a nugget of good advice wrapped up in this overall odd assertion.
6. Cool Comebacks To 8 Crude Comments
Apparently sometimes dating means dodging crude comments with so-called cool comebacks.
https://www.instagram.com/p/ByjBLVqgFdx/
This article from YM‘s Jan. 1994 issue equipped teens with sassy comebacks to use on unwitting boys who can’t seem to catch a dang hint. Could this, perhaps, be helpful?
“I’m sorry, but I don’t date outside my species.”
This comeback was written to be spoken to a “sleazoid who won’t take no for an answer.”
Any sleazoid who won’t take no for an answer deserves a lot more than this comment, but I suppose it’s a start.
All said and done though, is this comeback really that cool?
“1-800-GET-LOST”
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Now this is the type of cool comeback content I’m looking for. Short, sassy, pretty damn cheesy, and to-the-point.
Yell this baby next time someone asks for your phone number unsolicted.
I like this because it screams “I got this comeback from a ’90s teen magazine article about comebacks” in the best way possible.
7. Dear Tony, What’s ‘Flirting’?
https://www.instagram.com/p/BttQ0tSAXtq/
This column, titled “Dear Tony,” ran in a 1995 issue of Sugar magazine and asked girls to write in if they “want [their] problems solved by a boy’s point of view”.
Well, at least one thing has changed since 1995: Most of us decidedly do not want our problems solved by a boy’s point of view, because they’ve had their chance and they really haven’t solved much.
In fact, we have a term for that now: Mansplaining. One teen decided to write in to ask what on earth this strange song n’ dance known as “flirting” entailed. Here’s what Tony said:
“Everyone’s got their own little flirting techniques, and there’s no real rules about what’s right and wrong[.]”
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Wow, I’m pleasantly not appalled by this piece of advice.
He then goes on to suggest trying to come up with ways to get a guy to notice you that suits your personality, which is at least a somewhat individualistic, fluid, non-expectation-setting way of looking at flirting.
“Rather than be miserable about things, remember your time together fondly, let yourself have a good cry, and you’ll soon start to feel better, I promise.”
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OK, no boy better be making promises to me like that.
Just kidding.
My own sassitude aside, this piece of advice — written for a girl who’d recently had her heart broken — is actually pretty sweet.
I love that he encourage a good healthy cry (let those toxins out and RELEASE) and to stay positive by allowing yourself to think of the good memories, too.
8. 75 Reasons Why Life Without A Boyfriend Rocks
The headline of this article inspired a wee bit of ’90s teen hope in me.
Could it be an article about being satisfied as an independent woman and not constantly seeking to impress and validate oneself through the male gaze?
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt1XPQrAYKr/
Nope. Many of the reasons why life rules without a boyfriend make me never want to have a boyfriend in the ’90s, ever.
But I’ll start with the only decent one:
“Because you can lock yourself in your room, blast Fiona Apple, scream to your heart’s content, and fully appreciate the angry, angsty lyrics.”
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This actually sounds like a positive, cathartic, not-outrageously-sexist experience.
Two thumbs up: This indeed is a reason why not having a boyfriend rocks.
Now let’s move on to less green pastures.
“You get to eat raw onions on your hamburger.”
SWEETIE, can’t we just buy a pack of breath mints and call it a day?
Onions are both delicious and healthy, and I get that no one really wants to smell like a raw onion when they lean in for a smooch, but c’mon: You can have a boyfriend and still enjoy your veggies of choices on a sandwich.
“You never need to worry that your platforms make you too tall.”
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Ah, the ’90s: A time when platform shoes were seen as an acceptable footwear choice for all occasions.
Unless, I guess, you snagged a shorter man who is so insecure with himself that he’d be upset about you wearing shoes that make you taller?
TBH, I’m taller than the person I’m dating when I wear my platforms, and we’re both OK with it.
Take a page out of my book instead, K?
“You don’t have to shave your legs if you don’t want to.”
I mean, I get it. If I’m not actively getting naked around someone, I might forego any time with my razor, too.
But seriously, news flash: You don’t have to shave your legs if you don’t want to regardless of whether or not you have a boyfriend.
Your body, your choice. Boys have to deal.
9. Boys Speak Out
Bliss magazine ran this story in Sep. 1996 asking boys to sound off on various topics related to girls and dating.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B0CGUZbgbA6/
When asked why boys never get affectionate with girls in public, there were various responses, but this one really struck me:
“Because it doesn’t look masculine enough — it’s way too feminine.”
UGH. This honestly breaks my heart. Toxic masculinity much?
Everyone should feel comfortable being affectionate if they feel like it — and everyone should feel free to embrace both stereotypically masculine and feminine qualities.
“[Girls are] too vain — always worrying about how they look. They just love themselves.”
This obnoxious answer came in response to a question about what really winds these guys up about girls in general. This answer lowkey makes my blood boil.
Women are constantly pressured to look good and have an imbalanced value placed on their physical appearance and sexual attractiveness.
And this bloke has the audacity to call an entire gender “vain” because they worry about how they look?
Dating advice from me: Don’t date this guy.
10. What’s The Difference Between Sexy & Slutty?
Oh god, cue another article written for teen girls that asks clueless manboys to tell them how to straddle the fine line between what they perceive as “sexy” vs. “slutty.”
https://www.instagram.com/p/BtB17C0HuXR/
This is gonna be depressing. I think as a rule, someone should travel back to the ’90s and spend a few minutes speaking with the editors of some of the major teen publications, cause really?
“A slutty girl would sleep with you on the first date.”
Thank you for your sage insight, random dude named Robert McNeill. I’m glad you are the torchbearer for the definition of “slutty,” as defined in a magazine for teens.
“When you’re sexy, you just are. But when you’re sleazy, it’s because you want to be.”
Stephen Iaconis, another random dude, shared this nugget of wisdom. I suppose being “sexy” is just a mystical, enigmatic quality that some women just possess. Being sleazy, on the other hand, is the woman’s fault and is chalked up to her choosing to be this way.
